The problem with a depressed mind that had been under so much pressure for so long is that it doesn’t know, when is the time to take its guard down and smile at the sunshine. I have had experiences in the last year that I can barely name them without missing some important ones! Not good experiences, nor happy… I have had some real dark depressive episodes in my life, for which at the time, I couldn’t see a way out.
The brain starts to shatter, to close the eyes pupils so much that you cannot see further; With that what you see changes, it is in my opinion one of the facts about depression, that it not only darkens the brain it makes your whole experiences fake, not that your good memories will fade, but at real time! This is I guess the most frightening thing about depression. Because it doesn’t let you let go of it easily.
Anyway, I have started some projects, which I will post more often about. Also I have started my last year at the university. My music project is improving slowly but in the right direction, which is not bad but not good. But that’s the best I can spend on a music project for now, since I got more important projects going on. I got paid as a frontend Developer for the first time in my life. I made money! That felt nice, I like to grow in the industry so that I can afford a living out of it. But these are all just my professional life.
I have met someone, who I spent multiple days of a weeks with. I can see that for the first time I have been given a chance to show and express myself the way that I feel is the right way, no lie, no act, and no bullshit. Like Bukowski said “Don’t try”. If it works, then it will, if not, then don’t push it to much! I love to spend more time with her as she keeps the light in my eyes burning. I didn’t know that I could be lovable, or adored. This is totally new to me. This is the thing that I never counted on, “being loved” seemed like a wild guess out of a drunk game about my future. Now it feels more real, achievable and present.
I am trying my best, and that’s what matters the most.
I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well.
This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world.
The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
Albert Camus – The Myth of Sisyphus
Kid A.